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You're listening to the Vet Staff podcast, the place where veterinary professionals go, where you can go to get your head screwed on straight, so you can get excited about going to work on Monday mornings and be the most fantabulous version of you you can be.
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I'm your show host, julie South of the Vet Staff podcast, and this is episode 167.
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Today we are continuing with part 10 on developing your one of your secret superpowers your resilience quotient.
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Today we are talking about courageous communication.
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If you've just rolled your eyes or stifled a yawn or thought, yeah, well, that's okay for you, julie, well, this is what it's all about and this is how you can have those courageous communications, those courageous chats.
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Stay tuned to the end, because I'm going to give you, going to share with you some of the statements, that some of the sentences, if you like, that I have up my sleeve for different scenarios to help me maintain my balance and my equilibrium and so that I don't have hopefully don't have shoe size moments where I'm acting my shoe size and not my chronological age.
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When you're strong in having those courageous communications, it actually means that your resilience quotient will be strengthened too, which is all good stuff, resilience.
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I'm sure you'll agree that life works much better when we have it.
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Fortitude, call it what you want, but think of it as a muscle, one that lets you flex, bend, bounce forward, no matter what life and all work throws at you.
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It's for when you have those pear shaped moments that have this habit of popping up in our life from time to time, it enables you to have that gritty grace under pressure.
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It's the inner strength that keeps you steady when the going gets tough, because that's what other people use to bounce forward.
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Resilient people use to bounce forward from setbacks stronger than ever before, while others crumble, need medication and fall apart.
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If you feel like you're maybe just one stressor away from burning out or melting down, then stay tuned.
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We're going to go through today another skill that you can add into your resiliency quotient toolbox that you can dip into when you need it.
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If you've been tuned into this resiliency quotient series for a while now, you'll have realized that resiliency isn't, unfortunately, a one and done pill that you can take, or a one and done strategy you can implement That'll work forever and ever and ever, and you won't have to do anything from that point forward.
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Unfortunately, it's not like that.
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Instead, resiliency is a bit like a jigsaw or a mosaic.
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It's made up of lots of intersecting pieces of different shapes that help create one overall strong picture or image, or probably better described as a mental state.
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Courageous communication is another of those components, and it's all about speaking up about the hard stuff.
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Powerful, courageous communication is done with care, openness and honesty.
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It takes grit to talk about tricky stuff, horrible things.
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These are the conversations where you might need to pull on your big girl or your big boy knickers on first, but if you do it right, in other words, effectively and powerfully it actually brings people together and it strengthens the relationship.
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The more we do courageous communication, the better we get at it, and this is because we're building our skills to have tougher talks, even when people disagree.
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We learn to speak our truth with compassion and honesty and we listen with care as we get better at courageous communication.
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The wonderful byproduct of this is that we get better also at handling hardship, which, in turn, this means we're able, we're more skilled at sharing our views and our feelings when going gets tough and other people might not like to hear our views or our feelings, but they're important to us.
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This helps stop molehills becoming mountains.
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It helps.
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This is the where small issues become big problems.
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Over time, how we communicate improves, which in turn does our grit.
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Our grit also improves and in turn, then our resilience.
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In short, being brave and real in communication takes guts and courage.
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It takes grit.
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Challenging talks test our strength.
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The more of these courageous talks that we have, the more we build our grit, our courage, our resilience.
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Courageous conversations and resiliency go hand in hand.
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Here are five things you can do to help set yourself up for success when it comes to having courageous conversations.
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Now, by success, I don't necessarily mean that the conversation will always go your way or the way that you want it to go.
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That's not what I'm saying at all.
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But being prepared is the first step to ensuring that the conversation is respectful.
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Here's how to start.
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Here's what you need to take into account before you actually have one of those courageous conversations.
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Firstly, choose the right time and place.
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This may sound obvious, but I'm sure you've had those conversations or the experience where maybe you've been running between consults and someone starts chatting with you but your head is still in what you need to do.
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Or maybe you've just answered a phone call and you're looking for something.
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You're looking something up.
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When someone starts talking with you, your head is in another space.
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So always choose the right time and the right place, let the other person know that you want to talk with them and, if necessary, schedule that time in.
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Also, it's also appropriate to give them well, I believe, to give them the heads up on what you want to chat with them about, so that they can be prepared.
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And if you just said, oh, by the way, you know, I wanna have a chat with you later, you don't know what stories and what loops they're going to run inside their head and it may stop them from being the best that they can be.
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So give them a bit of a heads up first.
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Next number two start with a positive statement.
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This helps set the tone for the conversation and makes the other person, or helps the other person, be more receptive to what you have to say.
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Now, just in case you've heard that horrible, that horrible feedback sandwich framework.
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That's when you tell them something good, tell them something bad and then finish with something good.
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That's, I think, a bit disingenuous.
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People know that when you start with something good, when they think they're coming into a courageous conversation, they're expecting the other shoe to drop In their head.
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It's probably something like here we go, this is all BS, but when you start with a positive statement and I mean something like thanking them for their time you know that they're busy it just sets the right mood, the right tone.
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It could be something like I'm glad we could finally get together and talk about this.
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I know it's been a difficult issue, but I think we can work through it.
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What you're doing there is it's positive and you're setting the tone for the rest of the conversation.
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Number three focus on the issue, not the person.
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When you are having a courageous conversation, it's critical that you stay focused on the issue at hand, not the person.
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This means avoiding personal attacks and insults.
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You always want to talk about the what, not the who.
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Listen actively when this is number four when the other person's speaking, make sure that you listen with both ears.
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It means that you're paying attention to what they're saying and trying to understand their perspective.
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It means that you're going to listen and then give yourself time to respond to what's just been said.
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Or too often, when we're listening, we're planning what our own answer is going to be to what they're saying, which means that we're not listening at all.
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It also means letting them finish their sentences without you jumping in or over talking over talking them.
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This is something that I have to work very hard to curb myself.
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I'm good, I think, at active listening when the time is required to do that.
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However, one of the things that I'm working on is when I don't have to put on my active listening hat.
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When it's just a regular chat, I get so excited with what the other person's saying usually that I want to talk as well.
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Sometimes this means that I end up butting in.
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Every time that happens it's like oh, I just did that again.
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That's not what I want to have happen at all.
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So I'm working hard on making sure that, when someone takes a breath, that they're actually stopped talking and they're not just taking a breath to continue, which is when I usually jump in.
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So what I do is I do my best to, when they take a breath, to count and see whether they've stopped before I start talking myself, and then finally this is really important be willing to walk away.
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If the conversation becomes too heated or it gets, you can feel that it's starting to become unproductive.
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It's actually okay to walk away Now.
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This doesn't mean that you've given up, but it does mean that you need to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're both calm and ready to talk, or maybe when you've got more space, more time, or maybe when you've got more information.
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Even Maybe you can agree to reschedule in 10 minutes, go away, take five, make yourself a cup of tea or a cup of coffee or walk around the block.
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Whatever you've decided to do, maybe you've agreed that there's some critical information missing that's getting in the way of you progressing, which one of you needs to locate to find.
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If you start the conversation with that understanding, perhaps you can lay some informal ground rules, especially if you know that things could get heated, like only one of you will talk at once.
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For example, you can also include the agreement that you'll both agree to reconvene if things aren't going anywhere.
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Although courageous conversations aren't always technically negotiations and I'm using air quotes negotiations I do recommend a really good book on negotiating.
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I'll put the link in the show notes of an episode that I did back in episode 22, which was a couple of years now, on the show notes page for this episode, which is 167.
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That episode 22 is entitled Negotiating Like a Pro Never Split the Difference.
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I've referred and recommended that episode two lots of vets and nurses over the years, so I recommend it as a good listen.
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It's based on Chris Voss's book Never Split the Difference negotiating as if your life depended on it.
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It's an easy read, is a great book with 41,000 reviews with an average of 4.6 stars.
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I think that kind of says it all.
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I'll put the Amazon link in the show notes so that you can check out the book yourself as well, if you want to.
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It's available in hard and softback editions, kindle and audible versions.
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Like I said, I read the book a few years ago and rate it up there as one of the best business books that I've ever read.
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If you've never heard of Chris Voss, he's a former FBI hostage negotiator who's now a business consultant and author.
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In the book he talks about the importance of what he calls tactical empathy, which is having the ability to understand the other person's perspective and, really importantly, to communicate that understanding to them.
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Voss believes that tactical empathy is essential for building rapport and trust, which are also essential for successful negotiations and also critical to have when you're in the thick of a courageous conversation, when you're having one of those courageous conversations, it's absolutely vital to walk a few moons in the other person's moccasins to try to understand their perspective.
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If you can do this before the conversation actually starts, even better.
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Just to clarify this doesn't mean that you're agreeing with them or that you have to agree with them, but it does mean that you need to try and see things from their point of view, to walk a couple of moons in their moccasins Once you understand how it might be for them.
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Hopefully you've done all of this beforehand.
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Like I just said, before you're organized to have that courageous conversation, you're actually in a much better position and you can communicate that understanding to them.
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He, voss, would also likely say that it's important to be respectful and I agree of the other person's feelings by the way, he refers to the other person as the counterpart that even with, even if, even when you disagree with them, it's important that you treat them with respect, and this means avoiding personal attacks and insults.
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And finally, voss would likely say that it's important to be prepared for the conversation, just like I mentioned earlier, this means thinking about what you want to say and how you might say it and how, because you've walked a couple of moons in the other person's moccasins, how they might actually receive what you're saying.
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It also means being prepared for the other person to be defensive or resistant.
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If and when you're prepared, you're more likely to have successful and productive courageous communications.
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Courageous conversations Okay, so you're in the thick of a courageous conversations and things are or courageous, a singular courageous conversation.
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Nobody wants to have more than one going at the same time.
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Things are getting a little bit off track or out of hand.
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What can you say?
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How can you respond in a way that's appropriate and relevant to the discussion you're having, without sanding like a condescending jerk or an outright bully, because you want to get back on track again?
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Here are a few phrases that you can use, depending on the situation that you find yourself in Now.
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I think all of these statements are pretty self-explanatory and, because you're an adult, I'm not going to explain when you might use them.
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I trust that you'll know.
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Here's the first one.
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I understand that you're feeling frustrated, but I'd like to focus on the issue at hand.
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I'm not comfortable, or I'm uncomfortable, continuing this conversation if we're not going to be able to focus on the issue or if we keep getting off track.
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I'm glad you brought that up.
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Can we park that Talk about it later, after we've both had a chance to discuss this issue at hand?
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I'm not sure how that's relevant to the issue that we're discussing right now.
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I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.
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Can you please clarify?
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Can you explain that in a different way?
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I'm not sure I agree with you, but I'm willing to listen, or listen to your perspective, or try to understand your perspective.
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I appreciate your perspective, your take or your viewpoint, but let's try to find a solution that works for both of us.
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I'm not sure we're going to be able to resolve this issue right now.
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Let's take a break and come back to it later, or it looks like we're not getting very far right now.
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Let's take a break when you've got a few of those statements up your sleeve, ones that feel right for you with your words, then having courageous conversations isn't quite so scary.
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I'll put these phrases up on the episode page for you at vetstaffconz.
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Check out the podcast's page.
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This is episode 167.
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They will be there for you to refer to, to learn, to adapt so that they work for you.
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I hope you found this helpful.
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If you did, can I ask you to do me a favour, please.
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Could you please help me spread the vetstaff podcast word by telling three of your friends and colleagues about how this show helps very professionals like you like them get their heads screwed on straight so you can get excited about going to work on Monday mornings.
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If you enjoyed today's episode, then please also hit that follow button or whatever you're listening to this right now, because that means that you'll automatically receive next week's episode direct into your audio feed and you won't miss out.
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I look forward to spending time with you again next week, where we'll continue in this series of how to strengthen your resiliency quotient.
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This is Julie South signing off, thanking you for spending the last twenty minutes or so of your life with me.
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I invite you to go out there and be the most fantabulous resilient version of you you can be by screwing your head on straight and getting excited about going to work on Monday mornings.
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