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Welcome to the Vet Staff podcast, the place where veterinary professionals can join me, julie South, in discovering how we can all get our heads screwed on straight, get excited about going to work on Monday mornings and lead less stressful and more fulfilling lives at home and at work.
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Today, in Episode 149, we're marking the fourth installment of our ongoing series where we're delving into the cornerstone of personal and professional contentment.
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We're about to explore the life-changing act of self-forgiveness, backed by science and seasoned with wisdom.
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Have you ever carried the weight of past mistakes, regrets or missed opportunities?
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If so, you're not alone.
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In this episode, we'll unlock the doors to self-forgiveness, allowing you to shed the burden of self-blame and embark on a path of personal growth and empowerment.
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But remember, like I've said in their last three episodes, this is not a quick fix.
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I so wish it was.
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Believe me, I wish it was.
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It's an enduring journey, a perpetual practice that keeps the doors of forgiveness open, lowering stress levels and elevating your sense of well-being.
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Before we dive into the heart of self-forgiveness, though, a brief word from VET Staff's podcast partner, then, will unravel the truly transformative power of self-forgiveness.
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Stay tuned, because today we're not just changing the way you see yourself, we're changing how you see your world.
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The VET Staff podcast is proudly powered by VETClinicJobscom, the new and innovative global job board, reimagining veterinary recruitment, connecting veterinary professionals with clinics that shine online.
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Vetclinicjobscom is your go-to resource for finding the perfect career opportunities and helping VETClinic's power up their employer branding game.
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Visit VETClinicJobscom today to find VETClinics that shine online so veterinary professionals can find them.
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Vetclinicjobscom Self-forgiveness what is it and why would you want to forgive yourself?
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After all, it's not like anyone's going to know if you do it or if you don't do it right.
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Wrong People who don't like themselves very much, let alone love themselves, aren't exactly the nicest people to be around.
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I'm sure you can think of someone or maybe even unfortunately, sadly, a few people.
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Today is a way to support and help you be not that person.
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What we're looking at today is you having the skills, tools and the ability to let go of past feelings, emotions and behaviors that don't work for you.
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Self-forgiveness is a positive skill that has the power to literally shift your attitude and beliefs about yourself in a compassionate and understanding way.
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Recognizing the need for self-forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and emotional well-being.
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But how do you know when you've got something going on in your head that you need to forgive yourself for.
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Let's look at some common symptoms or signs that may suggest maybe, just maybe, some self-forgiveness could be a good thing for you.
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Do you feel persistent guilt or shame about something you've done?
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Or maybe you don't feel it, but the thoughts are there.
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Maybe it's a decision you've made.
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If you've got this going on, then it's a pretty strong indicator that some self-forgiveness could be a good idea.
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If you find it hard to move past feelings of self-blame, then it's likely time for you to start working on forgiving yourself.
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Frequent negative self-talk, such as harsh self-criticism or berating yourself for past mistakes, can be a sign that it's time for you to forgive yourself as well.
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If you actively avoid thinking about or confronting a specific past mistake or wrongdoing because it's too painful, it's definitely a sign that self-forgiveness is needed.
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Unresolved guilt and self-condemnation contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression.
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If you find that these feelings are recurrent and or related to past actions, it's a sign that self-forgiveness may be necessary for your mental health, your well-being in your head, difficulty building healthy relationships If you've got past unresolved issues.
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These can affect your ability to trust and connect with others going forward.
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If you notice patterns of strained relationships or difficulties forming new ones due to lingering guilt or self-doubt.
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Self-forgiveness for you could be beneficial.
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If you struggle to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, it suggests a need for self-forgiveness.
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People who haven't forgiven themselves often treat themselves much more critically than they would treat others.
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What about obsessive thoughts with resentment rumination?
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I talked about this a few episodes back.
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Constantly ruminating or obsessively thinking about a past mistake can be a sign that you're not at peace with it.
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These thoughts can be intrusive and disruptive to your daily life, both personal and professional.
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Mental distress related to unforgiveness can also manifest as physical symptoms, for example, headaches and tension, maybe even stomach issues.
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These physical signs can be indicative of unresolved emotional turmoil.
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If you find it challenging to move forward in life, to set new goals or pursue your passion because you're stuck in the past, it may be time to work on forgiving yourself.
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How about the inability to commit or put down routes?
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This is the exact opposite of staying stuck, but it's the same thing, just a different side of the same coin.
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Like I just mentioned, in some counselling circles it's referred to as doing a geographical and has connections to addictions.
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People who do geographicals move from pillar to post.
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Often they tell themselves that they're going to start over again.
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When no one knows them, they think they can start with a clean slate regarding the destructive, negative behaviour.
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But without resolving the inner conflict and the lack of self-love and or self-forgiveness, nothing's going to change except the view Good guilt and self-blame can erode self-esteem over time.
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If you notice a significant drop-off in your self-esteem, it might be connected to unresolved issues that require self-forgiveness.
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If any of these ring true for you, then some self-forgiveness will go a long way to improving your mental and possibly maybe even your physical health as well.
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Okay, julie, yep, I can relate to some of these scenarios, but before I do anything about it, why should I ask what have I got to look forward to on the other side?
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That's a great question and I am so pleased you asked it.
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Here are some of the things that you'll notice in your life when you practice self-forgiveness.
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When self-forgiveness becomes a habit, because you can recognise things when you've forgiven yourself, you'll likely notice an increase in self-compassion.
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Imagine being kinder and more understanding towards yourself, just like you are to your bestie.
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Imagine also no longer dwelling on the negative emotions such as guilt, shame or anger towards yourself.
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How about.
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You'll have the ability to embrace the fact that everyone makes mistakes and that being imperfect is part of being human.
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Imagine letting go of your self-expectation to always be perfect in all aspects of your life.
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How hard it must be to live like that right now, and how freeing would that be for you.
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You stop obsessively thinking about past mistakes or replaying over and over and over and over some more in your mind.
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Your thoughts are no longer consumed by self-blame or regret.
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Self-resentment, rumination, will become a thing of the past for you.
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True self-forgiveness often leads to changed behavior.
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Hopefully, you'll take steps to avoid repeating the same mistakes, not out of fear or self-punishment, but because you've genuinely learned from whatever it was that you've given yourself permission for, believe it or not.
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Forgiving yourself can boost self-esteem.
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You'll start to see yourself as a person who can learn, grow and improve, rather than someone defined by your past mistakes.
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If your actions affected others, you may also see improvements in those relationships as well.
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After you've had the honest conversations necessary and amendments have been made with those you've hurt, starting with yourself, these relationships may start to heal, and that's got to be a good thing.
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Right Forgiving yourself often leads to a sense of relief and lightness.
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You'll no longer feel like you're carrying the heavy burden of self-blame, shame and or guilt, and you'll be free to focus on the present and the future.
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You'll have more grit, also known as resilience.
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You'll have more grit After you've forgiven yourself.
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You'll be better equipped to bounce back from the trials and tribulations of life.
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Why?
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Because you'll have a healthier perspective on perfectionism and perceived failure and with all of this, the inner turmoil associated with past mistakes will gradually begin to subside.
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You'll have the experience of a greater sense of a peace of mind greater peace of mind.
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We've looked at how holding onto self-resegment looks like, as well as what life will look like after you've forgiven yourself.
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But what sort of things?
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Actions, events might come under the heading of actually needing to forgive yourself with by or for or over?
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It's likely we may need to forgive ourselves for a whole raft of actions, decisions, circumstances that we've made or found ourselves in during our lives.
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It will vary for everyone and will come down to our own individual experiences and our own personal values.
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So let's look at some common ones, starting with mistakes.
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Everyone makes mistakes in various aspects of life.
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These can be small errors or significant blunders of work.
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Maybe you lost a patient or you didn't pick up on something in a herd and it cost your client prize, stud balls or an up-and-coming Melbourne Cup winner.
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Also, mistakes in relationships or in some of the personal decisions that we've made, maybe a bad investment decision or a career move.
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Forgiving yourself for these mistakes is essential for personal growth and improved health and well-being.
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Sometimes, sadly, we make choices that caused harm to ourselves some kind of self-harm or to someone else.
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Maybe we've engaged in destructive behaviors, something like addictions like alcohol or drugs, gambling, pornography, or through making hurtful comments or neglecting responsibilities.
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I'm sure most of us carry some emotional baggage from past relationships.
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It could be regret for how the relationship ended, guilt for actions or inactions within a relationship, or not recognizing perhaps one's your own self-worth in a part or a current relationship.
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Maybe you've put up with something or someone for too long for the sake of your children, but then, with 2020 hindsight, staying turned out to be more damaging than leaving.
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If you can relate to that, then you'll know what I'm talking about and how some self-forgiveness may be a good idea.
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What about regret for missed opportunities?
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These could involve education, career or something personal.
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Maybe you didn't go on your OE when you wanted to and now you feel like it may be too late.
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Or you put off having kids because you wanted to build your professional reputation and then the relationship fell apart or sickness happened or something else.
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Maybe you need to forgive yourself for not taking a particular path or seizing an opportunity.
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You can't move forward if there's still something anchoring you back in your past like this how about unhealthy lifestyle choices such as smoking, overeating, under eating, drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling and other physiological and psychological harmful pastimes?
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Any of these activities can lead to feelings of self-blame, self-guilt and self-accusation.
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Self-forgiveness means you can make healthier choices in the future.
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You may recognize this if somebody pays you a comment and their little voice in your head says you know, if only they knew that.
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Or I'm pleased, they don't know that Family dynamics can be complex and sometimes totally dysfunctional.
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If you're someone who blames yourself for problems within your family, even if it's something you have absolutely no control over, it's time to show yourself some slack.
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Cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for stuff that's totally outside your sphere of influence.
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Maybe you've got some money related regrets going on, such as overspending or investments that you didn't know it at the time, obviously Financial mismanagement and maybe gambling can lead to self-blame and self-beating up.
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If that's you, it's time to learn from these experiences and forgive yourself if you want to move forward into financial wellness.
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If you're battling an addiction any of those I've mentioned before, as well as addictions like over exercising, the addiction to perfection, fancy that and the harm you have inflicted on yourself or others then it's time to show some love, compassion and self-healing through self-forgiveness.
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Self-forgiveness is an essential step, especially in 12-step programs, in an addict's recovery process.
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Maybe you're someone who's blaming yourself for a traumatic event or abuse you've experienced, even though you were the innocent party.
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This could cover all sorts of traumatic situations, from being in an abusive relationship and not getting out soon enough to perhaps being involved in a serious motor vehicle accident.
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Maybe you haven't forgiven yourself for taking a different route or running a red light or being late on a particular day that ended up tragically Maybe serious injury.
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Maybe you've changed as a result of that.
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What about getting sick that's required significant surgery and you no longer feel like you're the man or the woman you were before you got sick?
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Giving yourself fulfilings of guilt or shame is all part of your healing process.
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What about unrealised dreams, goals or aspirations.
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These can all lead to self-blame as well.
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Do you need to forgive yourself for not trying harder, for not working longer, for not being perfect enough, for giving yourself, for not meeting certain expectations and setting new, realistic ones?
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New, realistic expectations can be liberating.
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In saying all of this, of course, it's absolutely critical you remember that self-forgiveness doesn't mean you're denying responsibility for your actions or decisions.
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Instead, it's about acknowledging and accepting that mistakes, imperfections and events are all part of being human, and then using these experiences as opportunities for growth, learning and personal development.
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It's also important to remember that nothing lasts forever.
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While you're going through the process of self-forgiveness and it feels like nothing's changing or is bringing up maybe other icky stuff you'd rather not face, know that the only way out is through, and this too will pass.
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You'll be much stronger on the other side and, provided you've truly forgiven yourself, you'll be a much more self-empowered person as well.
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As I've said before, it's important to note that self-forgiveness is a process.
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The whole forgiveness continuum is a process, and it's probably be like it'll probably be like the ancient shampoo advertisement.
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It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.
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It can take time and effort for you to work through the icky emotions associated with past mistakes.
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If you're struggling with self-forgiveness, then please do consider seeking support from a therapist or a counsellor who can help you with guidance and strategies on your journey to self-forgiveness.
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And maybe, just maybe, ask your practice manager or someone you trust at your clinic If they have, if your clinic has an employee assistance program that you could tap into to help you with this.
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Now let's hypothetically say you recognise that investing in some self-forgiving love might be something you could benefit from in your life.
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Where do you start?
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What do you do?
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What does it even look like?
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Let's have a little bit of a look.
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The first thing to do is acknowledge self-acknowledgment, recognise that there's something in your past that you're struggling to forgive yourself for.
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It could be something you've done or not done, thought or not thought, a specific action, a pattern of behaviour or perhaps some kind of physical trauma.
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Then take responsibility for your actions, inactions, decisions, thoughts, and do all of that without self-condemnation.
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I think it's really important to keep in mind here that probably most likely, you acted at the time with best intent.
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I can't imagine anyone unless they're a narcissist psychopath or a psychopathic narcissist deliberately going out of their way to hurt someone Truly.
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Get that.
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Making mistakes is part of being human.
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Make sure that with your acknowledgement, there's no self-blame or self-shame.
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That's not what we're talking about here.
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And if you fall into that trap, then you're going down a path that doesn't end in self-forgiveness.
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It'll just take you on a journey pretty similar to the ride you've been on for a little while now.
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Then you need to understand the impact of what's happened.
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Start by looking at, by reflecting on, how your actions or your decisions have affected yourself and others.
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If you skip this step, then you won't get any insights into cause and effect and or learning from the experience.
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And next, as icky as this bit is, you need to give yourself permission to feel the emotions associated with the situation.
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It's okay to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, regret.
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Just don't wallow in them.
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Feel them, acknowledge them, then move on.
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But you've got to feel them first, because they're all part of the healing process.
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How often have you heard from me and from and or others, the necessity to practice self-compassion?
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Well, guess what?
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That's why the next step is here.
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You need to start treating yourself with the same respect, kindness and understanding that you'd give your bestie in a similar situation.
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You can do this through positive self-talk, which won't happen overnight, but it starts with catching yourself.
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When you start beating yourself up and then replacing it with something gentle, when you feel yourself, start to stumble, maybe, just maybe, remind yourself of that 1980s Billy Joel song you're running through.
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Then it's important to identify the lessons you've learned from your actions or your decisions.
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcomes.
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Get and ask yourself how you can use this wonderful newfound wisdom you've recently acquired to make better choices and decisions into the future.
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Going forward, make sure you start setting realistic expectations of yourself.
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This means understanding that self-forgiveness is a process that takes time.
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Avoid expecting instant results or perfection from yourself.
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I know you wouldn't do that, would you?
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Yes?
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So let go of perfection from yourself.
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I'll say that once more time, just in case that filter inside your head cancelled me out or there was static on the line.
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Remember to avoid expecting instant results or perfection from yourself.
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Healing and personal growth are gradual.
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Start taking care of the physical and emotional well-being.
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Start doing things that get you smiling on the inside and light you up, things that nourish your mind, body and soul.
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It could be a hobby.
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You absolutely love spending time with special people, exercise mindfulness, meditation or whatever it is for you Like.
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In episode 121, I talked about some ways you can incorporate self-care into your life.
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That episode is entitled Coping in Chaos how to Regain Control.
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I'll put that link into the show notes page for this one for you to check out if you're interested.
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Consider writing about your feelings in a journal or a diary Log your experiences and what's going on each day for you.
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This is a great way for you to track progress and it really comes into its own when or if you feel like you're not making progress, because it means that you can look back and just see how far you've come.
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With recognizing progress also comes celebrating small wins.
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This is important because it's the little steps that take us through and on our long journeys.
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Remember, the operative word is small.
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Make sure you're not waiting for the earth-shattering win.
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It's celebrating the small wins because they are absolutely important.
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Sometimes it's necessary to imagine and visualize forgiveness, especially if you've been holding onto some kind of resentment for a very long time.
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Imagine yourself.
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This is where neuroscience comes in.
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Imagine yourself letting go of the burden of guilt or shame.
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Picture yourself moving forward with a sense of lightness and inner peace.
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Visualizing this also includes visualizing yourself taking the steps necessary to achieve this.
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You can't just imagine the outcome and then wonder why nothing's working.
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You actually have to see yourself doing what's necessary to get the outcome that you want.
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So, for example, you can visualize yourself daily journaling if that's what you're going to do, or engaging in some of what makes you smile on the inside some time like that each day.
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Give yourself special you time.
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Visualize yourself doing the steps as part of visualizing the feelings of accomplishment you're after with your new found self-love through self-forgiveness.
00:27:00.001 --> 00:27:04.022
And please this is the hard bit Let go of resentment.
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The only one that or who usually suffers through resentment is the person doing the holding onto.
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It's you, me, you Let it go.
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It's eating away at our insides and it robs us.
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It robs you of the equivalent amount of joy.
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That resentment is taking up that space that that resentment is taking up.
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Life's too short to stay or bitter, twisted and bent out of shape.
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If counselling is required, then get it.
00:27:36.349 --> 00:27:45.555
If your clinic has an EAP and employee assistance program available, maybe it's time that you took advantage of that offering.
00:27:49.701 --> 00:27:52.420
I hope you're finding this series on forgiveness helpful.
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The feedback I'm getting so far is that it is, so that's good to know.
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Is forgiveness of yourself and others part of your life?
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Is it just what you do?
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What about at your clinic?
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Do you have a culture that supports forgiveness?
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If you do have a culture of forgiveness and you're one of those clinics that's currently advertising for staff, you can make your advertisements, your job advertisements get stronger legs and attract the type of job applicant you want, by shouting about this, from setting yourself up with a free vet clinic business directory listing at vetclinicjobscom the place where good employers shine online and can be found by vets and nurses looking for jobs with good employers.
00:28:41.993 --> 00:28:47.891
If you want to shine brighter than other clinics, then set yourself up with a premium listing.
00:28:47.891 --> 00:28:59.380
I promise it won't break the bank, because then you can include this aspect of your clinic's culture as part of your clinic's business profile.
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If you have an EAP, you can put that there as well.
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Employee Assistance Program, clinic Values is a special searchable field that job seekers can use to check out a vetclinic's culture when they're applying for jobs at vetclinicjobscom.
00:29:16.256 --> 00:29:19.420
So go there and check it out for yourself.
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As I said, you can start advertising your clinic and your jobs if you have them for free as soon as you set up your clinic's profile.
00:29:33.893 --> 00:29:36.420
Again, we've barely scratched the surface of forgiveness.
00:29:36.420 --> 00:29:40.400
We've peeled off another layer of that onion.
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As I said last week, think of forgiveness as being like a cloak woven from diverse threads of psychology, philosophy and human experience, a cloak that, when you wrap it around you, has the power to heal wounds, mend relationships and set you on a path towards growth.
00:30:02.420 --> 00:30:15.420
So far, we've covered three ways to start a journey of forgiving others the neuroscience of forgiveness and the cultural and relational aspects of forgiveness.
00:30:15.420 --> 00:30:18.349
And then today we've talked about self forgiveness.
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If you haven't listened to the other episodes in this series, then check out the show notes page for this episode.
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I'll put the links there for you to listen to them.
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Please join me next week as we look at some of the professional aspects of forgiveness.
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We'll look at forgiveness in your clinic, including leadership and team dynamics.
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Until next week, remember that forgiveness is a journey, one that begins with the in and radiates outward, touching lives and transforming hearts.
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Please, if you liked this podcast, please help us get the word out there by leaving a comment, and would love a five star review and sharing it among your friends.
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If you're not following us yet, then please do that as well.
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It's free, it doesn't hurt, I promise.
